Subscribe to HotForWords
E-MAIL
by pressing send you agree to our privacy policy

HotForWords Forums » HotForWords General

10 Ways to Deal with Harsh Criticism

(23 posts)
  • Started 1 month ago by Captain Jack
  • Latest reply from pat haskett
  1. Captain Jack
    Member

    A few comments I came across on the HFW site past few month involved dealing with criticism and going out on a limb (going out on a limb is where the fruit is). Most of us want to push ourselves to tackle difficult goals and really put ourselves out there, but it's hard when people aren't always supportive. Or helpful. Or kind.

    If you've faced some harsh critics this week, and it's affecting your ability to move forward, you may find these ideas helpful:

    10 Ways to Deal with Harsh Criticism

    1. Use it. If someone delivers criticism in a nasty or thoughtless way, you may tune out useful information that could help you get closer to your dreams. Put aside your feelings about the tone, and ask yourself, "How can I use this to improve?"

    2. Put it in perspective. There are over 6 billion people in the world. Even though only a small percentage has had a chance to see your work, odds are the criticism came from a small percentage of that.

    3. Acknowledge it isn't personal. If someone doesn't like what you're doing, it doesn't mean they don't like you. Their interpretation of your work reflects how they see themselves and the world. Everyone sees things differently. No matter what you do, you'll only please some of them.

    4. If it is personal, realize that makes the criticism even less relevant. If someone doesn't like you as a person for whatever reason, their thoughts on your project proposal hold no weight. Your job, then, is to let them make their choice of not liking you and stop giving them power to hurt you.

    5. Turn false criticism back on the critic. If someone says something harsh, seemingly without merit, realize it speaks more about them than you. Your work is not the problem, their attitude is.

    6. Look for underlying pain. When someone is unnecessarily cruel, they generally want to get a rise out of someone, often as a way to deflect whatever pain they're carrying around. When you see the pain under someone's negativity, it helps turn your anger, frustration, and hurt into compassion and understanding for them.

    7. Look at the critic as a child. Most children are honest to a fault, yet adults take their feedback with a grain of salt because there's much they don't understand about the world. The same can be said about your critic; he doesn't understand what you're trying to do, and therefore is missing some of the picture.

    8. Define your audience. Whatever you're trying to accomplish, odds are it's meant to help a specific group of people. If you're building a web application for mothers, criticism from a 65-year old man carries a different weight than criticism from a mom.

    9. Take the opportunity to develop a thicker skin. If you'd like to help many people, you'll have to listen to a lot of others who think you're doing a bad job. It's the nature of reaching a large audience, a portion will be unimpressed, no matter what you do.

    10. Challenge yourself to keep going. One of the hardest parts of fielding criticism is letting go and moving forward. Don't let one person's negativity convince you to stop what you're doing. Whether you change your approach or keep doing the same thing, keep going. No matter what.

    I hope those ten tips help you out with dealing with harsh criticisms. Marina knows these tips work well (thought she has not seen this list until now), for it's what has kept her going with making new lessons for you.

    Print out this list and post it near your computer. You will find it very useful if you read it each day and commit it to memory.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  2. pedanticKarl
    Member

    #11 Sense of Humor - Laff at yourself
    Just because the lady says; "the door is a jar", doesn't make it so.
    Whichever way the door swings, it's still a door.
    Just because someone says it's so, doesn't make it reality, unless you believe it.
    If you believe it, then you have given power to it and validated the criticism.
    Don't take life so seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
    Remember, where there's a will, I want to be in it.

    #12 Don't defend, don't react.
    The minute you defend a criticism, is when you have given power
    to keep the criticism alive. The more it lives, the more it can
    become the truth. Don't give power to which you have no control over.
    Focus on the things you do have power over.
    Wisdom is knowing when to defend your ideals and values and
    when to abandon them to embrace new ones.

    #13 Pray / Mantra
    The Serenity Prayer
    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    #14 Forgive them for they know not what they do
    Rise above the fray and have the last laugh.
    He who loves life has nothing to ask for!

    #15 The meaning of life comes from within yourself, not from without.
    Constant approval from others can mean disappointment.
    You can't please everyone. Learn to please yourself.
    Introsepct. Gnōthi Seauton (Greek) - Know thyself
    Wisdom is all around us, accessing it only requires
    accessing the right state of mind

    #16 Be True to Yourself
    Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.
    Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only futile,
    but ultimately leads to unhappiness.

    #17 Don't Argue
    Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
    We don't have rights until we claim them.
    Your ego will destroy you.
    Remember, EGO stands for Edging God Out.
    A man should not argue with a woman for he would only be
    wasting his time and give her the opportunity to practice her skill.

    #18 Your friend
    Remember that your best friend and your worst enemy are both your teachers.
    And you theirs. Every real teacher is yourself in disguise.
    Teaching starts with learning.
    Also, remember, the answer is in the question.

    #19 Values
    If you knew your real value you would faint.
    Cursing is the language of idiots!
    In many ways, we are what we believe!
    An open mind can never be closed again.

    #20 Pain or joy. It's your decision.
    Pain comes not from others, but lies deep within ourselves.
    Happiness is the reward we get for living to the highest right we know.
    If you're too worried about getting hurt, you may never be able to feel joy!
    Even roses have thorns; it's nature's way of keeping the balance!

     

    Posted 1 month ago #
  3. pedanticKarl
    Member

    Prayer of Saint Francis
    Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
    where there is hatred, let me sow love;
    where there is injury, pardon;
    where there is doubt, faith;
    where there is despair, hope;
    where there is darkness, light;
    and where there is sadness, joy.

    O Divine Master,
    grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
    to be understood, as to understand;
    to be loved, as to love;
    for it is in giving that we receive,
    it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
    and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

    Amen.
     
     
    "Am I my brother's keeper?"
    Don't answer that without a long hard look at yourself and your motives.
    The answer is in the question.
     
     
    Exercise:
    I dare you to stare at your eyes in a mirror.
    Then, with great compassion and understanding,
    say out loud with conviction to the image in the mirror;
    "I love you"
    twenty times without laughing or twitching or moving away.

    Not that easy is it?
    If you can't love yourself, how do you expect others to love you?
    Criticism can be an expression of love, but you just haven't
    learned to accept that part of yourself.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  4. äläx
    Member

    fuck saint francis.

    exodus 4:
    21 And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.

    exodus 12:
    29 And it came to pass, that at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle.
    30 And Pharaoh rose up in the night, he, and all his servants, and all the Egyptians; and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead.

    Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

    exodus 15:
    3 The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.

    A man should not argue with a woman for he would only be
    wasting his time and give her the opportunity to practice her skill.

    you're joking, right?

    Posted 1 month ago #
  5. neuroway
    Member

    STEP #21. If step #1 to #20 + the prayer to St-Francis have failed. When you get all your ducks in a row and you realize that the critic is probably more intelligent, stubborn or cunning than you are and that you won't be able to put an end to it in a peaceful way. Do you shoot the critic and end it by force? There are countless examples in history where the critic is starved to death, emprisonned, shot in the back while trying to escape, poisoned, intimidated, humiliated, tortured, bullied, if not murdered. Are the tigers of wrath wiser than the horses of instruction?

    "The intellectual tradition is one of servility to power, and if I didn't betray it I'd be ashamed of myself."
    - Avram Noam Chomsky (1928 -)

    Posted 1 month ago #
  6. HotForWords
    Key Master

    STEP #22: realize that it is most likely a 17 year old boy trying to "get a rise out of you." When I had a 17 year old brother of a friend over, he told me that that is what he and his friends do just to try to get a reaction out of the person. You don't know how many times I end up responding to some of these comments, agreeing with them.. then they immediately apologize and say.. "Sorry.. I was just trying to get a response out of you, I love you!"

    So recognize that is is someone just trying to get a response out of you, so the best thing to do it now respond.. or respond by agreeing with them... that REALLY throws them for a loop!

    Posted 1 month ago #
  7. pedanticKarl
    Member

    Short pithy aphorisms are meant
    to ring true
    for whom the bells toll.

     
    Note to self.
    A perfectly good laconic phrase
    converted to tripple redundant
    verboseness.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  8. Capman911
    Member

    I agree with Neuroway. If the critic is smarter than you and has a better advantage with knowledge then all of the kindness will not help. He or she may leave you alone once you have confronted the person and they may continue to harass you in small ways and innuendos left in comments. All of the scripture and the don't feed the trolls doesn't always work. Once the Gauntlet has been thrown down then the weaker person either backs down and leaves the site as a few have or he responds back with harsher comments then the conflict escalates even further. If the person making the comment back to you doesn't show that they are joking then the comment is taken as a rude attack against you or your comment. I know there will always be people who think they are smarter and try to out wit you and that their comments are the only ones that matter. I know this forum started out as an aide to help people from being harassed and to understand how to cope with every day let downs, but until you are the ONE that this is being done to then all of this doesn't matter. It may help someone and I hope it does.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  9. pedanticKarl
    Member

    Footnotes to contemplate
    The phrase "harsh criticism" has a very specific meaning and the categories of speech on YouTube includes many different types of speech including hate speech, threats and attacks, intimidation, cynicism and so on.

    There are many people who have left YouTube due to being intimidated by one form of speech or another. In countless instances I have observed that those people who had left YouTube, failed to exercise one important rule in life and that is to allow others to express themselves, even if those people don't play by the same rules.

    I vividly remember this commenter in the Dec 2007 coverage of HotForWords in the New York Times article called "Sexicon", where he (Tim Barrus) left YouTube after he created 300 videos. He described and projected a very gloomy side of YouTube and had he followed any of the above aphorisms, he would still be on YouTube. In Dec 2007, Marina had about 80 videos under her belt and today, Marina now has close to 500 videos.

    One question that Marina gets often is how she handles all of the negative comments on YouTube. That question actually implies two thoughts and ideas.
    1. How does one handle criticism mentally and process it internally? The answer could be anywhere from drugs, alcohol, or practicing any of the aphorisms above.

    2. How does one handle criticism externally? The answer could be anywhere from blocking people, moderating comments or doing what Marina mentioned above.

    Even though one might build a thick skin after some time of harsh criticism, I believe the most important part of Marina's success to handling criticism externally has been to give the haters a platform to vent their hate or games if you will and one example is that stated above by Marina. In almost every case that I have studied where the YouTuber has blocked or moderated the so called haters, it has in fact aggravated the hate.

     

    Posted 1 month ago #
  10. pedanticKarl
    Member

    @Capman911 and neuroway,
    I think you guys missed some very important concepts and failed to see one of the most important aphorisms, "Don't Argue, Don't Defend, Don't React".

    All of my ten aphorisms are more detailed and drilled down versions of the Captain's. My aphorisms are ALL internalizations and NOT externalizations. It has nothing to do with confronting any other person outside of you, but your own demons inside.

    Many people also fail to understand the "Prayer of Saint Francis" and take it literally as to practice the principles externally. The teachings of St Francis can be applied dogmatically to one's religion, but can also be applied internally in a secular world. A lot of the practice is actually done internally. As you said Capman911, "If the critic is smarter than you and has a better advantage with knowledge then all of the kindness will not help", but neither will fanning the flames of hate.

    All of my wisdom notes above apply to one's own conscious mind and are applied internally and are not intended to be used externally or in a confrontation.

    As I alluded to the idea in the previous comment,
    the key word in title of this topic "Deal" can imply two things.
    1. Deal with external confrontation of criticisms.
    2. Deal with internal processing of criticisms.

    If you notice that the Captain's ten rules ALL refer to internal processing.
    My aphorisms ALL deal with internal processing.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  11. leonard
    Member

    ****STEP #23: say thank you, and even if you thought the gift(s){criticisms} were groundless. The handle is only such; THANK YOU for my excuse and do not ever ask for anything Begging

    STEP #24: Harsh Criticism
    Is what work is paid for and by begging .

    Posted 1 month ago #
  12. neuroway
    Member

    @Karl,

    As you said, "don't argue, don't defend, don't react" is an aphorism and not a premise. It is a very well known one, as huge as a galaxy, as old as mankind and I think nobody can miss it. "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Matthew 5:39. Also, there is no correlation between the lifespan of criticism and the fact of defending or not against it. Some will say: "Argue, defend, react."

    Dealing with harsh criticism is not only an internal process. Unless you hear voices inside your head or you auto-critic yourself, then it's only you against yourself. Very often, the critic is external. Wether you choose to deal with it internally or deal with it externally is up to you. It is a very deep and very important choice each one of us have to constantly make in our lives, day after day.

    Some say it is nobler to take arms against a sea of trouble and by opposing end them. Some say if. What you say is yours to say. It comes from very deep inside yourself, and I think no one can argue about it except yourself.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  13. Captain Jack
    Member

    No No No No.......

    I am shocked at how many people lost the whole point/spirit of the list above.

    I had a gut feeling many moons ago that my list would be way to advanced for some of you to understand. I now see I have failed to set a good foundation before I posted this list. I now see teaching through the written word is like speak though a soda straw.

    *sighs*

    Posted 1 month ago #
  14. neuroway
    Member

    Cap'n, I say you were born too soon and you have an extra-terrestrial and alien approach to the crux of the subject, which will be fully understood, but only many centuries from now. Sometimes, you don't exactly harvest what you sow, haha.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  15. Capman911
    Member

    Jack this is nothing against you personally by no means, but you sound if though you think we are ignorant to the point that we didn't understand the meaning of the content of your list. I don't think we lost the spirit/point of the list. Some people are activists and some are pacifists some see the glass half full while others see it half empty. We all act on our own instincts and how we were raised. For example if I see someone is going to hurt me then the fight or flight sets in. I prefer to fight as that is the kind of person that I am and the way I was raised. Another person would probably be the exact opposite. A person can try to control his/her emotions, but sometimes you can't help only through frustration but to strike back either verbally or physically. It's like the Forum on "I Want to Unsubscribe". No matter how much some one talks to you if you have your mind made up enough then you will sooner or later unsubscribe either to the site or to what ever is bothering you. I have a good idea why this forum was started. In my opinion only one person can fix all of this and until that happens then forums like this are just another way of people having confrontations with each other and it will never end.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  16. Greatest Potential
    Member

    STEP #25 Take criticism like a baseball player takes stats on a stat sheet. It's the consistency of a player's performance that shows on a player's baseball card that really counts. To be a good baseball player you make your card have value. Know that critics also get criticised for how they criticise others and have to adhere to their own stat sheets and card performance rankings too.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  17. Capman911
    Member

    Step 26 Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.

    Quote by Buddha

    Posted 1 month ago #
  18. errin
    Member

    I'd like to respond, but my feelings are hurt that Captain Jack criticized me for not getting the point of his list...

    Just kidding. I think the point of your list (among many) was that one should put things in perspective and think positively.

    I for one don't let harsh criticism get to me. But I really think that is more of a personality trait, and is not something that can necessarily be learned or taught. You either have the type of personality that let's things slide or you have the type of personality that lets things get to you. That is at least the black and white of it, with plenty of shades of grey in-between.

    I will say this about being criticized... I only give so much credence to the judgements of my fellow human beings. The reason for this is because most people make lousy judges when put into that position of judgement. Their decision-making process for making their judgements is usually full of arbitrary standards and less-than-rational evaluations. That's the human comedy for you... we're wired to be judgemental, but when it comes down to it, we really have no basis to judge others.

    In fact, it has been duly studied and noted that when people first meet and make their first impressions of each other, the majority of those first impressions are actually wrong because they play off stereotypes that don't necessarily have a basis in reality. In other words, when you meet somebody new, your initial judgements of them will most likely be wrong and flawed. And yet, you will still go off those first impressions, even if they are wrong, because you as a human being are limited that way. You can't judge a book by it's cover, and yet we constantly do that anyway. Again, if the human animal were more rational by nature, then I might give more weight to the criticism from others. But, being that we humans are only so rational (and way too emotional), I will continue to only place so much importance on the observations of others.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  19. Capman911
    Member

    First, imagine that you have an empty potato sack on your

    back. Every time someone or something angers you which you

    are having trouble letting go of, imagine yourself carving

    the name of that person or thing into a potato, and placing

    the potato into your sack.

    Think about the fact that before long your potato sack will

    start to fill up and get heavy. You might let go of a few

    potatoes because you forgot about or managed to let go of

    the person or thing that was carved in them, but they will

    soon be replaced by new potatoes.

    Think about how the potatoes will soon start to get rotten

    and smelly, and of course will continue to get heavier and

    heavier as you carry them around in your sack.

    At some point, you might actually empty your sack, and dump

    out all of the potatoes that you are carrying. Perhaps this

    will be the result of having a nervous breakdown, or the

    result of attempting to try to let go of all your grudges

    all at once.

    Think about how long it will be before you start

    accumulating new potatoes in your sack. Think about how

    often the cycle of accumulating and emptying will occur.

    Think about whether the cycles will ever end.

    The next time you empty your sack, make a pact with yourself

    to stop accumulating potatoes in it, and to never again

    restart the cycle, no matter how hard that is.

    Last, but not least.

    To make the above steps easier, stop carrying around the

    sack.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  20. pedanticKarl
    Member

    @Capman911
    Thanks for sharing that lesson. I had forgotten about that one. That is a classic.

    By the way, for additional clarity, I would like to point out that I personally have been talking about how to process criticisms internally for those who are at the receiving end of that criticism.

    Even thought the Captain may have had in mind the idea of presenting material to process criticisms internally, it is worth looking at alternatives such as presented by Marina above.

    In the right state of mind, in other words not reactive, but with humor and intelligence, one can also process criticism externally as the example given by Marina above; in other words "kill them with attention, kindness, affection and love." I have seen Marina do that on YouTube for over a year and here is an example:

    BS to HFW: your accent is so fake
    hotforwords: Thank you BS, I take that as a compliment

    Another great thing about Marina is that she is humble and acknowledges when she is in error and reconciles or brings into harmony a criticism.

     

    Posted 1 month ago #
  21. leonard
    Member

    Step#27: Have a cup of TEA by the KINKS I like everyones comments so far... 4 Know__nO-own______adynaton
    a declaration of impossibility, usually expressed as an exaggerated comparison with a more obvious impossibility.

    "I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he shall get one of his cheek." -- William Shakespeare.

    love can fake U out?alexia

    Posted 1 month ago #
  22. Captain Jack
    Member

    @capman911

    "I have a good idea why this forum was started."

    Your incorrect of your assumption. My post had nothing to do with anyone or anything written in the forums. I rarely read much of the forums so I'm not up to speed of what comments are posted in the forums.

    @errin

    "I think the point of your list (among many) was that one should put things in perspective and think positively."

    Happy day! Your right on the money Errin! Gold star for you.


    I will say this about being criticized... I only give so much credence to the judgments of my fellow human beings. The reason for this is because most people make lousy judges when put into that position of judgment. Their decision-making process for making their judgments is usually full of arbitrary standards and less-than-rational evaluations. That's the human comedy for you... we're wired to be judgmental, but when it comes down to it, we really have no basis to judge others.

    Great observation. You really sum it up well.

    "In fact, it has been duly studied and noted that when people first meet and make their first impressions of each other, the majority of those first impressions are actually wrong because they play off stereotypes that don't necessarily have a basis in reality. In other words, when you meet somebody new, your initial judgments of them will most likely be wrong and flawed. And yet, you will still go off those first impressions, even if they are wrong, because you as a human being are limited that way. You can't judge a book by it's cover, and yet we constantly do that anyway. Again, if the human animal were more rational by nature, then I might give more weight to the criticism from others. But, being that we humans are only so rational (and way too emotional), I will continue to only place so much importance on the observations of others. "

    This is very true that we judge on stereotypes. I to have to go on the first impression if I have no data collected. I try to quickly remove it as I learn more about the person.

    I guess we give weight to criticism for we hunger to be liked in our tribes.

    I used to be a very un-emotional person. I was like the character Spock. So over the years I've been trying to become more emotional person and caring person. I hope I have the right balance of it now. People seem to enjoy being around me more than when I was in high school.

    @PK,

    "BS to HFW: your accent is so fake
    hotforwords: Thank you BS, I take that as a compliment [:-)]"

    I see this as a sarcastic remark. Really now, how does one take BS comment as a serious compliment? I see it as a clever way of taking the wind out of BS's sails.

    "Even thought the Captain may have had in mind the idea of presenting material to process criticisms internally, it is worth looking at alternatives such as presented by Marina above."

    We should make sure we have the process of handling criticism internally before we handle it externally. I don't see as an alternative way of handling criticism, but something done after one is right on the inside before responding back externally. Internal before external, or in another analogy "Build the foundation first before you build the house." I see way to many people handling things externally when they should first be right internally.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  23. pat haskett
    Member

    When I was an art student we had many critiques. There were always artsy fartsy types who would give harsh criticisms of artwork. I learned to ignore and follow my soul. Aggressives don't deserve a place in ones thoughts.

    Posted 1 month ago #

RSS feed for this topic

Reply

You must log in to post.