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31. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    Decomposing composers

    Bach: (1) what the chickens say; (2) Welsh diminutive
    Bartok: Pub chatter
    Beethoven: baked borsht
    Bizet: occupied
    Borodin: a tiresome racket
    Britten: home of English, Scots, and Welsh
    Chopin: buy the groceries
    Liszt: which groceries to buy
    Dvorak: alternative to the qwerty
    Haydn: one half of a popular children’s game
    Khatchaturian: Armenian variation of chicken cacciatore
    Mozart: What Grandma Moses was famous for
    Schubert: substitute for ice cream
    Schumann: cobbler
    Smetana: how many men feel upon watching Marina
    

    Posted 9 months ago #
32. 

    Greatest Potential
    Member

    Bach "I'll Be Bach"
    Bartok "You're sure Bart's ok?"
    Beethoven "Now, now, please stay for desert...Aunt Bee's gone and fixed us up some of her homemade apple pie"
    Bizet "e.t. phone home, you're famous!"
    Borodin "Mule chops are on the menu tonight."
    Britten "Her music goes over big in the states" (smitten with Britten)
    Chopin "After you get done with that, gather and stack the wood neatly into a pile"
    Listz "Wyh twon't whisp, do woo ave a pwobblum width dat?"
    Dvorak: Slavic version of character "Horseshack" from Welcome Back Kotter
    Haydn "Peekaboo!" "I see you!" "You can't hide from me!"
    Khatchaturian "Okay, let's change games then." "Katch me if you can!"
    Mozart "Marina O. likes to draw with crayons"
    Schubert "Go away, Bert"
    Schumann "The medicine man has come to dance and make rain upon our village."
    Smetana "Yes, uh huh, I just met her about an hour ago." (talking about Anna)
    

    Posted 9 months ago #
33. 

    Bob
    Member

    Reconstructed Composers.
    J Ockeghem = this Scotsman is priceless.
    Des Pres = a worthy gift.
    GP da Palestrina = Car bomb (Palestinian Jeep)
    Sweelinck = Ferry from Stockholm to Tallinn.
    Claudio Monteverdi = Cloudy Tyrolean residence of the Scottish Soldier.
    Frescobaldi = A bald vandal’s Grafitti.
    Pachelbel = A cracked but repaired resonating chime.
    Purcell = Ladies mobile phone.
    Salieri = Salty seaside air.
    Scarlatti = Milky cosmetic preparation for covering skin imperfections.
    Telemann = TV repairman.
    Rameau = Sheep’s piss.
    Pergolesi = Garden structure incorporating a recliner.
    Paganini = A diminutive pagan.
    Rossini = Sticky texture of the surface of stringed instruments.
    Berlioz = Almost 28 grams.
    Wagner = Driver of a horse-drawn freight vehicle.
    Offenbach = The neighbour’s dog.
    Tchaikovsky = The act of choking when Evan makes a pun whilst one is drinking one’s tea.
    Delius = A croupier.
    G Holst = 1. A holder for a cowboy’s Gun. 2. The cup of a male stripper’s undergarment.

    Posted 9 months ago #
34. 

    Greatest Potential
    Member

    J Ockeghem: Another name for "sports gymnasium"

    Des Pres: "des pres, dat pres, ain't no difference really"

    GP da Palestrina "Gee Bob, how did you know I'm into skinny pale goth chicks with exotic names?"

    Sweelinck: a type of pork sausage filler

    Claudio Monteverdi: spot in mountainous regions where cell phone signals are clear and free of "roam mode"

    Frescobaldi: nickname for Italian Renaissance painter "Michelangelo" in his later years.

    Pachelbel: lesser demon (gargoyle) from online adventure game RuneScape; combat level(65), defense level(40), attack level(60), etc.

    Purcell: place where female convicts are held

    Salieri: to be paid with bags of salt

    Scarlatti: professional prostitutes trained in the fine art of "scarification"

    Telemann: when a telemanner practices using phone script fantasy cards

    Rameau: salty soup in a styrofoam cup, just add water. comes w/seasoning packet

    Pergolesi: spotter goalie

    Paganini: heathen whole wheat spaghetti

    Rossini: A list of unidentified object sightings in New Mexico

    Berlioz: husky australian mate

    Wagner: slang for "wagoneer"

    Offenbach: a broken in plush leather chair

    Tchaikovsky: meridian point located near the crown chakra

    Delius: surrealist cafeteria "misspoken words" fridge magnets

    G Holst: Is that an ectoplasm rod in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?

    

    Posted 9 months ago #
35. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    Q: What did the Arab say when he tried the sausage?
    A: Ah, salami! I like 'em!

    Posted 8 months ago #
36. 

    Bob
    Member

    Another example of fractured franglais.
    No pain, no gaine. = Don’t eat too much bread and you won’t need to wear a girdle.

    Posted 8 months ago #
37. 

    Greatest Potential
    Member

    franglais comedy act in 3 parts: a. young buck head's full of thunk, says "oh, my grain!" it's full of window pain. b. free sewing wild oats raps a quilt for a quick "break" fast loaf omelet- c. #20 on the menu; ordure of horse braust sausage with an iron waffle track gridle bit.(crowd applaudes)

    Posted 8 months ago #
38. 

    leonard
    Member

    I kneaded dole and my goats ate my wheat grass; the brass heavy metal band around my hand. sumtimes I cry, good and enjoyable...cane my back...:-)

    Posted 6 months ago #
39. 

    Jeorney
    Member

    I posted this earlier...

    Cruciverbalist: someone who crucifies another verbally by having a cross-word.

    true definition:
    1. A constructor of crosswords.
    2. An enthusiast of word games, especially of crosswords

    Posted 6 months ago #
40. 

    pennsyltucky9
    Member

    I just had to post this one, but it's not really mine. Bob’s comment: “I am sorely tempted to postulate that “barbecue” is the word that the Romans invented from “barbarianus” to describe savage tribes that ate humans, or as we now call them, humanitarians.”

    Posted 6 months ago #
41. 

    pennsyltucky9
    Member

    Someone once asked Marina to do a lesson on "bushwhacked." I replied:

    Bushwhacked is the same as pussywhipped but without the bikini wax.

    wordlover replied on May 2nd, 2008 3:59 pm:
    PT9, did you make that up? Sounds like a National Lampoon joke… Sorta.

    pennsyltucky9 replied on May 2nd, 2008 5:16 pm:
    No. Wait, I know the one. The National Lampoon joke you’re thinking of is:
    “In 1926, when the last great cattle drive had nearly reached the New Orleans railway depot, the trail boss found to his dismay that the cattle could not be driven to the loading point because the street was blocked by a Dixieland band. I seemed that “Lame Melon” McKinley, the noted clarinetist (or “licorice stickster” as they are called in the jazz argot) had just snuffed it, and his fellow musicians were bearing his remains to the cemetery while they played “St. James Infirmary,” “St. Louis Woman,” and “When the Saints Come Marching In.” All too aware that the last train to Chicago was due to leave within the hour, the trail boss (or head drover, as he was referred to in cowboy parlance) approached the bandleader and asked if he might interrupt the funeral to drive the cattle through to the other side of the street.
    The bandleader replied, “‘Fraid not, boss. This here’s a solemn occasion and we don’t want those cattle muckin’ about!” Not easily put off, the trail boss offered the bandleader money, a gold watch, hand-tooled Mexican boots, and even his autographed photo of Bob Steele if he might be allowed to drive the herd across the street but the man could not be swayed. Finally, the trail boss said, “Listen. I know all you jazz musicians are into drugs. Now, packed away in my saddlebags are every narcotic you’ve ever heard of: smack, snow, redbirds, yellowjackets, angel dust, DPT, THC, STP, black gungi, the works! I’ll give you the entire stash if you’ll tell your musicians to step aside and let me get my cattle to the depot.” 
The bandleader shook his head and replied, “I’m sorry, but I got an ample supply of those there already and you’ll just have to cool your heels until we’re done here.” The trail boss played his final card. “Hold on half a sec, brother,” he persisted. “I’ve got something you don’t have, something you never even dreamt existed! I’ve got (and he paused here for emphasis) MARIJUANA SUPPOSITORIES! Yes, you heard me right! Marijuana suppositories! Shove one of these little babies up your ass and you’ll be high for a week! I’ll give you a dozen if you let us pass.” The bandleader fell silent for many moments. At last he spoke. 
“Shee-it! Marijuana suppositories! Don’t that beat all! That’s the wildest thing I ever heard of! Mister, you got yourself a deal!”
 The trail boss quickly unpacked his saddlebags, removed twelve suppositories and gave them to the bandleader, who instructed his musicians to step aside and let the cattle through, which they did, allowing them to be driven to the depot, arriving just in time to be shipped to Chicago (or the “WindyCity” as it is known in meteorological circles). Moral: “A herd in the band is worth boo in the tush.”

    Posted 6 months ago #
42. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    Re Marina's Cannes Film Festival trip:

    41.1 May 14, 2009 at 5:54 p
    Evan Owen says:
    Q: What did M’s mother say about her trip?
    A: “Don’t be gone Toulon! Cannes you drop me a card?”

    I’d tell more puns about the Riviera, but it’s not my Provence.

    Reply
    41.1.1 May 15, 2009 at 2:37 am
    Bob says: Those puns were criminal but I promise not to Grasse on you.
    Do you think M will be wearing her blue jacket on the Côte d’Azure?
    I expect Gorby is already missing his mistress - “Life’s a Bichon!”
    …unless he’s fawning over his dog-sitter, in which case “Life’s a Biche”.

    Reply
    41.1.1.1 May 15, 2009 at 5:43 am
    Evan Owen says: Bob! Have Marseille on us!

    Posted 6 months ago #
43. 

    irishknight
    Member

    More Punishment: Canned in Cannes

    If Raphael has Tropez to drink of the local Frejus, he could fall on his Menton. In that case he might try the Hyères of the dog before taking some Med.

    Posted 6 months ago #
44. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    <b>Irreverent Irish:</b>

    Erin go bragh: Ireland likes to boast.

    Cead mile failte: Gad, this odometer is malfunctioning.

    

    Posted 6 months ago #
45. 

    leonard
    Member

    Surge on with current berries and washed with general p(L)ractice...crested flycatcher{{{..orthopterous..]]] a pun of ton-sun with fun and small low stool=boo? or croak

    Posted 6 months ago #
46. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    ***LOSS FOR WORDS presents another Fractured Philology lesson:
    “Pull a Boner”***

    There was once an outrageous Welsh nobleman, Llewelyn ap Paling, facetiously known as Y Bonwr (“The Gentleman.”) He was famous for throwing wild parties, the highlight of which was a mad frolic in his pool, with rough-and-tumble play, drunken brawling, and sexual indiscretions in the adjoining groves of trees. In the days following the parties, when revelers were asked about bruises, limps, hangovers, and charges of indecent behaviour, the shorthand response of Pwll y Bonwr (“The Gentleman’s Pool”) brought knowing smiles.

    The invading Anglo-Saxons found the expression irresistible and adopted it as “pull a boner”; but being contemptuous of the conquered natives, invented stories such as Marina’s to disguise the phrase’s Welsh origin.

    Posted 6 months ago #
47. 

    leonard
    Member

    BRAVE

    My chance was a coincident in coming across this poem with no author, other than printed by Warp Publishing Co.(1925) GOOD TIMBER The tree that never had to fight—For sun and sky and air and light,—That stood out in open plain,—And always got its share of rain,—Never became a forest king—But lived and died a scrubby thing. —-The man who never had to toil,—Who never had to win his share—Of sun and sky and light and air,—Never became a manly man,—But lived and died as he began. —-Good timber does not grow in ease;—The stronger wind, the tougher trees,—The farther sky, the greater lenght;—The more the storm, the more the strength;—By sun and cold, by rain and snows,—In tree or man good timber grows. —-Where thickest stands the forest growth—We find the patriarchs of both,—And they hold converse with the stars—Whose broken branches show the scares—Of many winds and much of strife___—This is the commen law of life. the end b-good

    Posted 6 months ago #
48. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    Sniglets
    These were contributed by Alan Rogers under the "swine flu" lesson:

    Hello Bob

    Thanks for your message. The sniglets (thats a new word for me!) I posted were the winners from a Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    The Washington Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners were:

    1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
    2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
    3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
    5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
    6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
    7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
    8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
    9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
    10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
    11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
    12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
    13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
    14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

    Cheers

    Alan

    Posted 5 months ago #
49. 

    Che Rambler
    Member

    OMG! Yaw! Yore! Your! You’re ……a homophone.

    & one more

    There, their, they’re, you homophones will just have to move to Iowa to get married.

    Posted 5 months ago #
50. 

    Jeorney
    Member

    PUNish yourself with Visual puns.

    Posted 5 months ago #
51. 

    Greatest Potential
    Member

    

    At the Society For Geek Advancement event they had this boob generator screen. Sort of like a funhouse mirror. When you stand in front of the screen it distorts
    your image and makes you appear as if you have big boobies!

    Posted 5 months ago #
52. 

    Che Rambler
    Member

    Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    Posted 5 months ago #
53. 

    Che Rambler
    Member

    Out of the best twenty puns above only one in ten made me laugh. (No pun in ten did)

    Posted 5 months ago #
54. 

    pennsyltucky9
    Member

    Bob's pun fu is stronger than mine.

    Posted 4 months ago #
55. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    We got a pretty good thread going on the "Alaska" lesson:

    Capman911 says: 23July 3, 2009 at 5:21 pm
    I think it was a good purchase. I could buy just about anything I wanted with one hundred million dollars. Great lesson on Alaska, but why did Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska? I haven’t heard yet.

    Evan Owen says: 23.1July 3, 2009 at 5:43 pm
    I haven’t heard why either, but Alaska when I see her!

    fredjr says: 23.1.2July 3, 2009 at 11:04 pm
    Juneau that I wish you good luck with that.

    originalistrick says: 23.1.3July 3, 2009 at 11:35 pm
    I can’t get a Bering on this pun-making thing.

    stigmatasaurus says: 23.1.4July 4, 2009 at 9:08 am
    Wasilla thing to say!

    Posted 4 months ago #
56. 

    pennsyltucky9
    Member

    Well, I hate to shatter your Aleutians, but these won't go unnoticed because as you're well aware, our teacher has a very Kenai for details. Nome sayin'?

    Posted 4 months ago #
57. 

    Bob
    Member

    More Fractured French from Evan Owen:
    HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS Can you drive a French motorcycle?
    RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID Honk if you're Scottish.

    Posted 3 months ago #
58. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    Bob and I came up with this one the other day:

    "Lysdexia is nothing to folk pun at!"

    Posted 3 months ago #
59. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    Obscure bilingual puns department

    Sinn Fein supposedly has a barrister named Charles, nicknamed "Chucky, our law."

    Explanation:
    "Chucky our law" sounds like the Sinn Fein slogan, "Tiocfaidh ár lá," Gaelic for "Our day will come"

    Posted 2 months ago #
60. 

    Evan Owen
    Member

    Irreverent Irish: takeoffs on the Tain bo cuailgne

    Evan Owen says: 92.1 September 28, 2009 at 7:46 pm
    Hey cuchullain, are you tying a bow on your compliments?

    (Top that, Bob!)

    Reply
    Bob says: 92.1.1 September 29, 2009 at 3:09 am
    Stop hounding me or I’ll be culling you from my will.

    Reply
    Evan Owen says: 92.1.1.1 September 29, 2009 at 6:28 am
    My advice to Marina:

    She taunt an Irishman, she gets a howling Gael!

    (I’m going green with recycled puns!)

    Reply
    Bob says: 92.1.1.1.1 September 29, 2009 at 7:16 am
    Siobhant you to stop, I think.

    Evan Owen says: 92.1.1.2 September 29, 2009 at 1:23 pm
    Why, can’t Owen mock an old Irish epic for the sake of a few puns?

    Posted 1 month ago #

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